I Want To Be Sick!!!

O.K.

I'm really confused.

I've got my terrific sister offering to help with all the deductibles/co-pays/etc. for medical care so I can get some documentation of my CVID so I can get back on Social Security & Medicare & maybe even Medicaid & food stamps.  I probably shouldn't get my hopes up, but I am virtuously not treating myself for infections now.  So I almost got an ear infection yesterday, but it apparently cleared up by itself.  If it were January right now I'd probably be pretty sick. (In fact, I'm so often sick in January that it's a good bet anyway.)  So this morning I tried to get a sinus infection.  I was in pain.  But it's apparently cleared up on its own as well, except the the ache in my top front teeth.  Wonderful, hot, humid weather is the best thing in the world for my health.

So here's what I'm confused about--do I root for getting sicker, or do I root for not getting sicker?

It seems kind of ghastly to be hoping I'll end up in the ER with an infection of some kind or other.  It seem idiotic not to take the preventative antibiotics.  And I worry about who will take care of my kids, and my pets, and my house, if I find myself in the hospital.  Hopefully the kids are all old enough to take care of themselves, and the pets, and the house.

And I worry that the doctors at the ER will think I'm a hypochondriac (again), recommend cough syrup and send me home.  I'm thinking of asking my general practitioner to write a letter explaining my condition to ER personnel.  Other CVID'ers have done it.  Something explaining how an ear infection or a sinus infection or a little cough needs to be treated because I only have hours before the infection rages out of control.  And about how my normal body temperature might be a sign that my body isn't fighting the infection at all.  And maybe something thrown in about my asthma that doesn't respond to any treatment besides IV steroids.  Honestly, I'm going to have PTSD about going to the hospital.

Seriously, I've had nightmares.

Try as I might, I just can't hope I'll get sick.

Come to think of it, I am a lousy hypochondriac.  I don't want any attention at all.

But we really need the government benefits.  My parents are lovely people--I think I've lucked out in the parents & siblings part of life--but I don't want to live with them.  I want to keep my house.  And I'm tired of taking money from my family.  And one day, who knows when, I'm going to get really sick and not be able to treat it myself with antibiotics and prednisone from the Philippines.  And when that happens, it would be nice to have Medicaid so I can get some decent medical care.

It's been a long rainy weekend, with a bit of in-law trouble and medicaid (for the kids) trouble, and a huge overdue electric bill that gobbled up most of the paycheck my husband finally got.  And no Labor day vacation or parties for us.  And this horrible hay fever.  It could be worse--at least the lights are on.



I've been cleaning house a lot since yesterday morning.  I'm tired of cleaning now.  I've been playing the piano some.  I seriously do need to get OUT OF THE HOUSE.  I haven't had cabin fever this bad since this winter when I was too sick to set foot outside.  I need to find something interesting to do.  Excuse me....