Saturday, October 20, 2012

I don't think it's depression, I've just given up

The girls are still at a sleepover this morning, and my husband had someplace to go, so I had the house all to myself this morning.  I'd turned off my alarm, but I'm so used to waking up at six-something that I did it again anyway.

I'd planned to try to record my second mazurka this morning, but I was (happily) distracted by the Blues Brothers movie on TV.  I've seen it before, but it's worth watching again.  A few minutes after it was over, though, my husband came home.  I was still in my pjs, thinking I'd have plenty of time to get dressed and do chores after the movie.

My husband had a pancake breakfast this morning.  He'd asked if I wanted to go, but I'd said 'no'.  I don't think it's depression, I've just given up.  My kids weren't going to be there, my parents weren't going to be there, and my husband would probably end up in the kitchen.  I'd be in a big room full of strangers and people I know, and I wouldn't know which were which.  And I'm tired.  Of dealing with the people from our old church and the people from the nearby small town who think I'm lazy and I should just get up off my behind and get a job.  Most of them I haven't seen in a year, or even a few years.  One person from the church wrote me once after we left.  Two still occasionally chat with me on facebook.

When I think about it, I ought to be depressed.  I try not to let any of this get to me.

At least I still have internet access, at least for the moment.

Sometimes I miss being around people, but I've gotten used to this.  I've had forty-seven years to practice getting used to it.  I remember feeling terribly lonely in public school, and afterwards as an unemployed young adult.  But church was the last straw.  I miss church once in a while.  I have a spiritual hunger that church even tried to fulfill every once in a while.  But it was getting unpleasant toward the end, with people deciding  some vitamins would perk me right up so I could go back to work.

Maybe what I need is to go find some people who are my own kind.  I think I'm an alien.  I keep looking up and waiting for the spaceship, but it never comes.

I just got the news that the kids will be staying at their friends' house 'til tomorrow.  Woohoo!  Maybe tomorrow, if I get around to it, I'll be able to record that mazurka while everybody's at church.  Unless there's a good movie on....

Bye!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Final Post?

I've been absent for a while now--sorry about that, I've just been unable to keep blogging about illness and poverty and government screw-ups.  It was a bit depressing to begin with, but with the prospect of losing our home looming over our heads, I just haven't been able to bring myself to keep thinking about it.  Maybe this is the kind of thing denial was invented for--worrying every day can't be good for anybody.

I may soon be absent for a longer while, though.  I was afraid this day was coming--our financial situation has gotten to the point where we're probably going to cancel our internet service.

Being homebound is bad enough, but this will mostly cut me off from the outside world.  It's a good thing that I hoard books.  My husband is still unable to find a full-time job--all he has is a part-time manual labor job that is possibly not going to be there when the weather turns cold.  Being in the National Guard is turning out to be a hindrance--interviewers are not supposed to ask about his Guard status by law, but they are all asking anyway.  And nobody wants to hire somebody who could be deployed some day.  Getting a college degree hasn't helped him at all, either.

We are still getting no government assistance, and no charitable assistance, because I can't enter the work program.  At some point I may be forced to try, which would mean asking my parents to babysit and homeschool my four children full-time (and my mother is in a wheelchair with rheumatoid arthritis--my father is seventy now and retired so he can take care of my mother).  Then we would have to ask the people at my husband's church to drive me to the work program, and drive me to all the interviews.  I'm not sure they'd even be willing to do that much driving.  And then I'd get sick repeatedly--it gets worse when I'm around lots of people and forcing myself to work no matter how sick I get.  Not to mention losing jobs because I can't hear, and can't remember what I see.  I don't think the work program is going to last long for me.

My parents have said they can't keep helping us forever.  I'm afraid this is going to affect my relationship with them.  Poverty affects one's relationship with everybody sooner or later.  And at some point we're going to have to move in with them.  I don't see any options for improving this situation.  Today I posted on facebook and on message boards, coming 'out of the closet' about just how bad this is getting.

I need a work-at-home job.  My husband needs a job that can support six people.  I need to get diagnosed as disabled, so we can get the help we need.

I need to get diagnosed.

In November I have another appointment where we'll see if the pneumonia shot failed.  The CVID test came back negative, but I'm not sure it was even the right test.  Boy, do I need a specialist who knows what they're doing.

I'm probably going to try to get diagnosed with autism, also.  Anything to try to get people to take how much trouble I am in seriously.  It's not really the autism, I think, that cause most of my trouble.  Well, of course when you can't breathe nothing else really matters all that much.  But it's the failure to be able to hear, and remember things I see, that holds me back.  However, autism is something that people have heard of.  As a disabled person, you can never overestimate the value of having a condition that people have heard of.  "Oh, you're blind.  Well, of course you can't drive."  Your capabilities are fairly obvious.  As out of it as I am when I can't hear, and can't recognize people, it would make more sense to people if they knew about the autism.

Well, I'm off to see if any more people have responded to any of my posts.  I don't suppose any of them will know where my husband can get a decent job.

Bye.