Saturday, October 20, 2012

I don't think it's depression, I've just given up

The girls are still at a sleepover this morning, and my husband had someplace to go, so I had the house all to myself this morning.  I'd turned off my alarm, but I'm so used to waking up at six-something that I did it again anyway.

I'd planned to try to record my second mazurka this morning, but I was (happily) distracted by the Blues Brothers movie on TV.  I've seen it before, but it's worth watching again.  A few minutes after it was over, though, my husband came home.  I was still in my pjs, thinking I'd have plenty of time to get dressed and do chores after the movie.

My husband had a pancake breakfast this morning.  He'd asked if I wanted to go, but I'd said 'no'.  I don't think it's depression, I've just given up.  My kids weren't going to be there, my parents weren't going to be there, and my husband would probably end up in the kitchen.  I'd be in a big room full of strangers and people I know, and I wouldn't know which were which.  And I'm tired.  Of dealing with the people from our old church and the people from the nearby small town who think I'm lazy and I should just get up off my behind and get a job.  Most of them I haven't seen in a year, or even a few years.  One person from the church wrote me once after we left.  Two still occasionally chat with me on facebook.

When I think about it, I ought to be depressed.  I try not to let any of this get to me.

At least I still have internet access, at least for the moment.

Sometimes I miss being around people, but I've gotten used to this.  I've had forty-seven years to practice getting used to it.  I remember feeling terribly lonely in public school, and afterwards as an unemployed young adult.  But church was the last straw.  I miss church once in a while.  I have a spiritual hunger that church even tried to fulfill every once in a while.  But it was getting unpleasant toward the end, with people deciding  some vitamins would perk me right up so I could go back to work.

Maybe what I need is to go find some people who are my own kind.  I think I'm an alien.  I keep looking up and waiting for the spaceship, but it never comes.

I just got the news that the kids will be staying at their friends' house 'til tomorrow.  Woohoo!  Maybe tomorrow, if I get around to it, I'll be able to record that mazurka while everybody's at church.  Unless there's a good movie on....



  1. I relate to your post :) You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. <3

  2. Thanks, Kezza! <3 It's nice not to be completely alone in my alone-ness. :)