Well, I still have the letter saying I've been denied Social Security benefits, but yesterday I got more paperwork to fill out. I guess it couldn't hurt. Although they want me to go see their doctor. This has happened before. Unfortunately, with my complete lack of direction (topographical agnosia), it's just about impossible to drive anywhere new. My husband will probably have to leave for guard duty too early to drive me to the appointment (and otherwise he'd probably be working), and I just don't have anybody else to do it.
Filling out the paperwork is depressing enough. I even put a few blog posts in the envelope, posts that I thought were especially representative of what happens when I get sick. In a strange sort of way, looking back through the posts, I felt sorry for how sick that poor person was.
I know that this is almost certainly hopeless. And I've had it with focusing so much of my attention on what's wrong with me. This should not be the most important theme of my life--"What's Wrong with Deb?". It's depressing to once again be cataloguing all the jobs lost, the illnesses and neurological issues, and all the things I want to do with my life that I can't, while simultaneously reliving all the times when someone or other hasn't believed that anything was wrong with me at all, because I know that's the conclusion Social Security will come to yet again.
I just can't resist filling out the paperwork as long as it's here. So I filled it out and stuck it in the mailbox and blogged about it and now I'm done, at least until they deny me again.
And maybe a physical would have been good for me--lately I've been having an odd pounding heartbeat, kind of irregular, off and on. The first time it happened was when I was really sick this winter. I haven't had my blood pressure or anything else checked in quite a while. I would really like to be taking better care of myself. I've been making a real effort not to stress over all the paperwork and financial problems. My husband is still not working full-time, and the bills are piling up, and all I can do is try not to think about it.
The good news is that I've actually lost about seven pounds lately. I've finally figured out that I need to have a low-fat snack once in a while--it's just not enough sometimes to eat a teensy little meal and then run around all morning doing yard work and housework and exercising and practicing piano, followed by another teensy meal and more running around. I think the occasional snack is actually helping. It also helps to be healthy enough to do all that running around, as well as not having to take all that prednisone (one of the side effects is weight gain). I never know when I'll be back in the chair, upending the bottle of prednisone again, but for now I'm exercising.
I'm still working on that Schubert impromptu. I've mostly gotten it--now it just needs a whole lot (a whole lot) of polishing. I've already picked out another piece--Chopin's Mazurka op. 50 no. 3. It wasn't easy to pick one from among all the mazurkas--it's like trying to decide which is my favorite child. (wink)
I'm off now to check facebook and email. Bye!
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