I'd rather be Omnipotent.

I'm still here!

I've just been healthier and doing yard work and the usual stuff--housework and homeschooling and piano.  I haven't given up on that Schubert piece yet, and I've been playing a lot of Chopin (my favorite).

Then I saw this news article and thought I should post it here:

http://fox13now.com/2012/04/02/with-autism-no-longer-invisible/

I was especially intrigued by the idea that someone is trying to get a computer program up and running to teach autistic people how to make 'appropriate' facial expressions.

I've also been (once again) starting the process of applying to different government agencies for help and looking for some kind of work I can do from home.  My husband is barely working.  It's not as if he hasn't looked.  He's worked his whole life.  He's just graduated college, even.  But the money from our tax refund is gone now, and I'm starting to feel more worried about money than I usually do.  I'm lucky to have family members who will help out for as long as they can, and would even take us into their homes.  Sure don't want it to come to that, though.

Trying to get help is a hopeless activity for me, but it's all I can do.  I've applied for food stamps and medicaid again, but I'll probably be turned down because they want me to enter their works program.  As it is, I have to apply for benefits over the phone (not the way they prefer) because I don't know where their office is.  Finding interviews is hopeless.  If I studied hard I might be able to find a couple in familiar places (if I can be said to even have familiar places).  It sucks sometimes only being able to drive to a dozen places, although I try to be grateful that I can drive at all.  At least I can take care of the basic routine errands like grocery shopping, and I can visit my parent a half-hour away.

I've also applied for Social Security (again), but that's fairly hopeless as well.  They want medical records, but I just can't afford to see doctors.  (Can't afford the mortgage and utilities, either.)  I've been diagnosed with CVID and asthma in the past, but the government wants current records.  I've been diagnosed with prosopagnosia as well, but not the rest of my neuroligical 'issues', except for a CAPD diagnosis as a teenager for which there is no record now.  If I ever get medicaid I'll start getting things diagnosed in a hurry.  As long as I can find a way to get to the doctors' offices.

I've started trying to do something each day to look for help.  Today I got into my word processing program and found a resume template.  I've tried in the past to find work I can do at home.  Being disabled (I spelled it wrong and spellcheck suggested 'disturbed' lol) might qualify me for some programs.  But everybody wants a resume.  So I've finally typed one up.  It was frustrating.  So was documenting all my problems for Soc. Sec. again--it's not fun to be reminded of all the things I've failed at in the past, and all the things I'd like to do now but can't.  All things considered, I'd rather be omnipotent. 

Back to the resume.  Frustrating.  A frustrating joke.  I have no degree, just a GED.  I erased the education section.  I have a work history that a teenager might be proud of--math tutor, three years of summer jobs at minimum wage, taking catalog orders over the phone.  But I have that resume now, the one that the websites insist I must download if I want to apply for anything.  I hope that the family physician I haven't seen in years will be willing to fill out the paperwork for these programs.  He's a wonderful guy, but this is probably too much to ask.  I'll ask anyway, though.

Doing work over the phone is probably out--it's not usually that quiet here with four kids, and with the CAPD it's hard for me to hear things like names and numbers that I would most likely need to hear.  This makes it impossible to work almost anywhere I'd have to work with people--waitressing, fast food, cashiering--all out of the question.  I've tried.  I'm hoping (okay, not really hoping, more like fantasizing) that I'll be able to find somthing as a typist.

This is a bit like being sick--the difficult thing about it is keeping my spirits up.  I try to do that something-I-do-every-day-to-look-for-help in the morning so I can get it over with and try to be happy the rest of the day.  So I didn't find it helpful yesterday when someone took it upon themselves (when are we going to get a legitimate pronoun that's not gender-specific for him/her?) to remind me that my kids should get field trips/vacations and they don't (because we can't afford it and because they're not in public school).  Often people don't say these things to my face.  I like to think that's because they know I wouldn't tolerate it.  People who haven't answered phone calls and emails from me for so long that I've given up trying should probably not complain about the isolation here, but if they're going to, doing it behind my back might be the safer course of action.

There, I feel better now.

This was actually triggered by the good news that my eldest girl is going to get to go on a mission trip for a week in another state this summer.  Yay!  This should be a good experience for her.  While I'd love to take everybody to Disneyworld this summer, helping homeless people might be better for her.  It's not that she's spoiled, it's just that maybe everybody should get exposed to real poverty once in a while.

I saw part of "Mr. Holland's Opus" this morning on TV.  I've always found it difficult to watch--the frustrated dreams, the deaf child who's such a disappointment to his father.  But today I found yet another reason why my kids aren't in public school.  Not only because I don't think it's the best environment for anybody's kids.  Not only because I've been concerned with the learning disabilities/neurological issues on both sides of the family being passed down, and I didn't wan't one of the things my kids learn early in life is that they're a failure.

It never would have occurred to me to complain about it before.  There were no dreams for me in public school.  No dating or parties or sports or any of those oh-so-important field trips.  No teachers trying to show me the beauty in literature, or math, or science.  Wait, there was one teacher who took just a bit of an interest in me, noticed that I wasn't retarded.  I've actually looked for him on facebook--haven't found him yet.  I'd like to thank him one day.

You just never know when you might have been that one person.

Anyway, there were no hopes for the future for me in school.  No dreams of college or success of any kind.  And then doing the resume today--what was I supposed put under 'objectives'?  People like me don't have 'objectives'.  They have something else.  It's called 'survival'. 

What was I supposed to write?  That I'd like somebody to graciously grant me minimum-wage job suitable for a retarded person?  I know that word isn't politically correct these days.  But I've been called it enough times to feel like I've earned the right to use it.

Some days I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for Chopin.  Some days I can see why people who live in poverty would turn to drugs. 

I don't think looking for government assistance and employment is good for my mental health.  I don't even think blogging about looking is good for me.

I think I'll go play a few nocturnes now, and then I'll clean something....